Undead ServantUndead Servant | Art by James Zapata

So there's an ordinance that prohibits digging without a permit. The city claims it's to protect underground utilities, prevent property damage and ensure the safety of the public. They cite the network of pipes, wires, and other esoteric webbing beneath the dirt, under our feet. It's common sense, they say. Don't dig. You'll never know what you might sever.

But how did all this municipal mesentery get down there in the first place? I've lived here for decades, and I don't recall some civil engineer with a backhoe stretching out cords and tubes beneath my begonias. "It's infrastructure," they say. That's the word they use. But that's just a front. Believe nothing, question everything. What's the real reason they don't want you to dig on your own sovereign property that you bought with your hard-earned inheritance? What are they hiding beneath the dirt? 

As per the ordinance, digging is defined as "any activity that involves breaking the surface of the ground, including but not limited to trenching, drilling, boring, grading, or the removal of soil, rock, or earth by mechanical or manual means." Think about this. That garden trowel you use to coax your garden to bear your family a bounty of greens? That's digging. Illegal. They don't want you to be self-sufficient. It doesn't matter if you have a green thumb, just so long as you're under theirs.

Commander

Liesa, Forgotten ArchangelLiesa, Forgotten Archangel

They claim the pipes transfer essential fluids from a main source running under the streets to each residence and business. Fluids like water. Natural gas. Electricity. Important things that people need. Well, I don't recall ever signing a document that identifies those things as a requirement for my continued existence in this city. I don't need your water, Mr. Mayor, filled with your chemicals that alter my brain folds into fractals and convince me to feed Wendy's square beef to my family. I have my own water. I have a guy who delivers it in a big truck.

I have a wonderful array of shovels in my shed, and they each serve a separate and distinct purpose. Spades, round-points, square-points, snow shovels, and post-hole shovels. I've already discussed shovels at length. We don't need to rehash that.

What's really going on here? What is it about the earth they want to keep undisturbed? Perhaps the ordinance can offer hints. You know how these bureaucrats are, they can't help but insert little nods and codes into their devious machinations; they love the idea of their plots hidden in plain sight. "In the interest of public safety, existential stability, and the continued coherence of reality as presently understood, we hereby enact this ordinance to prohibit any and all activities related to the summoning, unearthing, awakening, assembling, or otherwise disturbing entities commonly and heretofore referred to as 'The Insatiable Undead'."

Creatures

• Accursed MarauderAccursed Marauder
• Archghoul of ThrabenArchghoul of Thraben
• Blood ArtistBlood Artist
• Butcher GhoulButcher Ghoul
• Carrion FeederCarrion Feeder
• Champion of the PerishedChampion of the Perished
• Coffin QueenCoffin Queen
• CryptbreakerCryptbreaker
• Diregraf ColossusDiregraf Colossus
• Esper SentinelEsper Sentinel
• Fleshbag MarauderFleshbag Marauder
• Gempalm PolluterGempalm Polluter
• Geralf's MessengerGeralf's Messenger
• GravecrawlerGravecrawler
• Gray Merchant of AsphodelGray Merchant of Asphodel
• Headless RiderHeadless Rider
• Liliana's Standard BearerLiliana's Standard Bearer

• Lord of the UndeadLord of the Undead
• Mother of RunesMother of Runes
• Noxious GhoulNoxious Ghoul
• Phyrexian DelverPhyrexian Delver
• Shepherd of RotShepherd of Rot
• Solemn SimulacrumSolemn Simulacrum
• Soulless OneSoulless One
• Syr Konrad, the GrimSyr Konrad, the Grim
• Tomb TyrantTomb Tyrant
• Undead AugurUndead Augur
• Undead WarchiefUndead Warchief
• Vengeful DeadVengeful Dead
• Vile EntomberVile Entomber
• Warren SoultraderWarren Soultrader
• Zombie MasterZombie Master
• Zulaport CutthroatZulaport Cutthroat

If you've never gone to your local municipality's regular meetings, you're missing out. Depending on where you live, they probably happen twice-weekly, or weekly, or monthly, depending on how stringent your "elected" "officials" are in creating and perpetuating ordinances that claim to protect the public from the Instatiable Undead. That's all just bullhonkey, as we know. They don't care about we little people, with our variety of digging implements and soul-tugging desire to rearrange the surface strata.

They'll hem and haw about finding the dollars in the budget to buy new toilet paper dispensers for the community center, or hiring and then subsequently firing the city attorney's nephew as a building inspector when they find out he's under investigation for credit card fraud. It's all very important business and in your best interest, they claim. If that's true, then why don't they ever discuss the anti-Instatiable Undead ordinance unless I bring it up during the designated public-time-for-topics-not-related-to-the-meeting-agenda? And the rules state that they cannot as city commissioners directly respond to public statements, but I see their faces. They know, and I know they know. And they know that I know that they know.

Instants

• Deadly DisputeDeadly Dispute
• DesparkDespark
• MortifyMortify
• Path to ExilePath to Exile
• SilenceSilence
• Swords to PlowsharesSwords to Plowshares
• Village RitesVillage Rites
• Withering BoonWithering Boon

As per the ordinance, any formerly deceased entity that has returned or been returned to a state of animation "accompanied by an unholy appetite for flesh, souls, or metaphysical sustenance" is considered Instatiable Undead. "This includes, but is not limited to, zombies, archghouls, fleshbags, corpse-knitters, carrion feeders, and any result of necromancy wherein hunger is unending."

That leaves nothing left-over. If all these entities are below my feet, below my porch, or scratching at the foundation, it's my God-given right to dig them out and set them free. What they do subsequent to my actions is of no consequence to me. I am a sovereign citizen, and the Instatiable Undead are eldritch monstrosities that defy natural law. So what hubris does the city commission embody, then, to think that their earthly laws would bind them? And by extension, me?

And this legal overreach by the city commission extends beyond even my exhaustive collection of shovels. We defined "digging" above, but "unearthing" is a step even further. "Unearthing," they claim in their legal mumbo-jumbo, includes not only digging with one's own two hands, but "exhumation, profane ritual, arcane reanimation, chemical or scientific reassembly, or any act resulting in the disturbance of interred remains for the purpose of awakening or empowering the Insatiable Undead." Explain to me, dear reader, how that's fair?

Sorceries

• DamnDamn
• Demonic TutorDemonic Tutor
• Diabolic IntentDiabolic Intent
• Innocent BloodInnocent Blood
• Read the BonesRead the Bones
• ReanimateReanimate
• Toxic DelugeToxic Deluge
• VindicateVindicate

Everything about the city commission is a matter of public record, but they don't make it easy for you to access these records. Sometimes you have to go to City Hall covered in dirt and demand to know which window in which house in which neighborhood is closest to the City Manager's head while they sleep. Not for any act of violence of course, don't be ridiculous. But haunting whispers that penetrate the sanctity of the City Manager's dreams? Fair game. Don't see anything in their dusty tome of ordinances about that, now do I?

That's how you enact change, dear readers. You have to take the initiative. These ordinances are out of control. Just read this:

It shall be unlawful for any person or persons arranged in a cadre heretofore referred to as a "death cult" to:
(a) Deliberately or negligently "unearth" the Insatiable Undead.
(b) Conduct any ritual with the intent to animate the dead for any purpose, belevolent or malevolent.
(c) Harbor, conceal, or train any member of the Insatiable Undead for companionship.
(d) Lure, release, or otherwise encourage the migration of the Insatiable Undead in civilian-occupied spaces.

I thought this was a democracy.

Artifacts and Enchantments

• AttritionAttrition
• Blind ObedienceBlind Obedience
• Diabolic ServitudeDiabolic Servitude
• Etchings of the ChosenEtchings of the Chosen
• Grave PactGrave Pact
• Phyrexian ArenaPhyrexian Arena
• The Meathook MassacreThe Meathook Massacre
• Arcane SignetArcane Signet
• Ashnod's AltarAshnod's Altar
• Orzhov SignetOrzhov Signet
• Phyrexian AltarPhyrexian Altar
• SkullclampSkullclamp
• Sol RingSol Ring
• Talisman of HierarchyTalisman of Hierarchy
• Vanquisher's BannerVanquisher's Banner

Typically, there are seven members of a city commission. Some municipalities instill voting rights and argumentative powers and committee presence to the mayor, while others view this position as a figurehead, only existing to gladhand, cut ribbons, and wave from the head of parades.

But what if we replaced the seven-member city commission with the Insatiable Undead? That's the great thing about the yoke burdening each and every one of our necks - with collective effort, we can redirect the cart. Currently, those in violation of the ordinance are liable for fines up to but not to exceed $100,000. That's criminal. That's more than a cemetery groundskeeper makes in two years, including all the bribes I pay for unfettered access.

Find your city commissioners. Ask them why they do what they do. Why they make the decisions they make. What right they think they have to keep profane secrets from the citizenry. And if that all fails to evoke the results you seek, run for their seat. Take action. Step up. Start digging.

Lands

• Ancient TombAncient Tomb
• Bojuka BogBojuka Bog
• Cabal CoffersCabal Coffers
• Caves of KoilosCaves of Koilos
• Command TowerCommand Tower
• Fabled PassageFabled Passage
• Godless ShrineGodless Shrine
• High MarketHigh Market
• Isolated ChapelIsolated Chapel

• Marsh FlatsMarsh Flats
• Phyrexian TowerPhyrexian Tower
• 7 PlainsPlains
• ScrublandScrubland
• 14 SwampSwamp
• Tainted FieldTainted Field
• Temple of SilenceTemple of Silence

It was several months of appearing at city commission meetings before I was taken seriously. Several months of utilizing my alotted three minutes speaking time to rally those sparse few citizens in attendance to my cause. Eventually, a few of the others used their time to also champion my cause. Why don't you ever acknowledge the dirty man with the shovel, they'd ask. Maybe if you just told him what he wanted to hear, he'd go back to wherever he came from. Please, just make him go away.

It's my right to speak. And it's your right, too. You can just walk right in and say whatever pops into your head. And if you don't get the respect you deserve, consider replacing your city commission with the Insatiable Undead. Use a charred, damned book bound with the skin of a taxable value assessor. It's likely that your ground is lousy with Instatiable Undead lusting to chomp through human flesh and chew through human bones. And maybe some of them are former commissioners themselves, when once they were alive. We like to have that continuity of experience in local government, after all.

The Decklist