Kenrith, the Returned KingKenrith, the Returned King | Art by Kieran Yanner
Hello, and welcome to Am I the Bolas? This week, the king returns!
This column is for all of you out there who have ever played some Magic and wondered if you were the bad guy. I'm here to take in your story with all of its nuances so I can bring some clarity to all those asking, "Am I the Bolas?"
I'm ready to hear you out and offer advice. All you have to do is email amithebolas@gmail.com with your story, a pseudonym you want to use, and of course, only include details you don't mind in the column! You might see your story below one day.
I'm Mike Carrozza, and I'm thrilled that dreams still come true.
Thank you, Theorist Jace.
(Post edited for brevity, clarity, and then some.)
SUBMISSION
Hello Mike,
I wanted to hear your opinion on a game I experienced during the weekly Commander night at my LGS.
I normally play in a pod with three good friends of mine that I had all met through becoming a regular at the LGS. Last Saturday, one of my friends couldn't make it, so it was just me and two of my friends; I'll refer to them as Lance and Joel. We had started playing a three-person game just to pass the time until a fourth appeared (Bill).
Being a regular at the store for years, I didn't recognize Bill; he seemed new to the store in general. Having come towards the end of our three-person game, he opted to wait for us to finish and, initially, looked to want to play an upgraded precon of Faldorn, Dread Wolf HeraldFaldorn, Dread Wolf Herald. However, when it came for him to join, he mentioned he 'wouldn't have fun' after watching our decks (Wort, the RaidmotherWort, the Raidmother, Omarthis, Ghostfire InitiateOmarthis, Ghostfire Initiate and my Yarok, the DesecratedYarok, the Desecrated Undercity deck), and he swapped to Kenrith, the Returned KingKenrith, the Returned King.
I was wary of five-color decks, but he assured us it was a 'fun snow deck, filled with RWBY proxies and puns', and so I went ahead with my deck (Zurzoth, Chaos RiderZurzoth, Chaos Rider Devils), and my friends brought out new ones too (Lance with Commander MustardCommander Mustard Soldiers and Joel with Fallout Caesar, Legion's EmperorCaesar, Legion's Emperor). Bill won the roll to go first, and proceeded to Sol RingSol Ring and tutor on turn two, which fair enough.
Things started to go awry when we began to interact with his board (I AbradeAbraded his Sol RingSol Ring on my second turn instead of developing), and he kept insisting he wasn't a threat, between his many taplands (Kaldheim snow dual lands), and poor hand otherwise. He introduced us to an interesting card called Winter's NightWinter's Night that allowed his snow lands to tap for two, but kept them tapped next turn. Bill insisted that it was a considerable drawback that forced him to think two turns ahead. He then proceeded to play a number of cards that untapped his lands to negate the downside entirely (Seedborn MuseSeedborn Muse, Nature's WillNature's Will, etc.). When that became apparent, Lance began to attack Bill way more aggressively, only for Bill to claim 'you'd be stupid to attack me' because he 'didn't have anything to do with the mana' (aside from Kenrith) and that 'he couldn't get through with Nature's WillNature's Will anyway' (I had Chaos WarpChaos Warped his Muse). This nearly backfired into Lance fully swinging his board, but he ultimately relented to spread out the damage.
Not long after, Bill resolved Training GroundsTraining Grounds, and waited until my end step (I was last in the turn order) to overload a Cyclonic RiftCyclonic Rift, ReanimateReanimate most of his graveyard, and set up an attack that could, at the very least, take out one other player. Bill seemed confused, claiming that 'Rift is usually countered' (note nobody else was playing blue) when everyone else simply conceded in response, accusing Bill of dramatically downplaying the strength of his deck. Bill in turn accused us of ganging up on somebody new and not in the friend group because most of the removal had gone his way, and swiftly picked up his things to move to a different pod.
How many Bolases were there here?
Sincerely,
BeDeviled
VERDICT
Thank you for writing and asking me to weigh in on your story. As I mention every week, if folks don't write to me, there's no column, so if you, the reader, want to send me a story, whether it's your own or one from Reddit or a friend's, please send it to amithebolas@gmail.com and I'll get to it here.
Simple question off rip for ya, bud.
What in the heck happened to the Rule Zero conversation? Nary a mention of the Bracket System off the top? Y'all just let Bill roll up see the game and go, "Yeah, I'll pull this other deck out, but don't worry, it's only helmed by one of the most powerful commanders of all time." Nobody wanted to ask about Game Changers? Knowing a Cyclonic RiftCyclonic Rift is somewhere in the 99 would at least probably soften the blow, but I'd say seeing the King in the command zone might've been a cue to hit the pause button and chat about the kind of game you'd like to play. It's fair to play a Cyclonic RiftCyclonic Rift - it seems like Bill was up against three token aggro decks - but you should let folks know if you're playing with Game Changers. If Bill isn't familiar with the system, it's an opportunity to introduce him to it. There's a reason an early Sol RingSol Ring is scary, but when it's followed by a tutor, it's like "come on, pal". Mr. "Why didn't you counter my board wipe" has a lot of nerve.
Personally, given the context of the game, I think the one true Bolas is Bill, but there's something to be said about his parting words. While Bill was playing the "small bean" card saying he can't do anything (with one of the most busted legends in the game) and underselling his position, he is new to the store and joining a tight pod that has gotten the perfect read on each other. So he misread you guys; it happens. He was the Bolas in this story, but there needs to be some willingness to jump into a Rule Zero chat and discuss brackets and Game Changers.
The "I'm just a little guy" defence is definitely the cherry on top of the whole bit for me that settles the Bolas verdict though. Look. It's a valid strategy, but it's up to us to smell through the B.S. That's why you sniped with AbradeAbrade and Chaos WarpChaos Warp. It's absolutely fair to be targeting the player who can make a million mana with the busted commander that's basically "Oops, All Mana Sinks". You cannot run out of play with Kenrith, the Returned KingKenrith, the Returned King and a grip of mana. While Bill's deck was a clever and fun theme deck that synergizes well, exploiting a niche card creatively, it was misrepresented in the eyes of this pod. He nailed the challenge of building an interesting deck around a bad card.
The "I can't do anything" to "usually my board wipe gets countered" progression is just the end game of the "little guy" strategy. Perhaps in other pods, Bill is playing with people who have a ton of counter magic and removal, but how would he know about this pod without a chat about it? To see the tail end of a game before this one isn't enough to assess the vibes.
The real lesson here is "don't neglect the Rule Zero chat".
Also, Kenrith is busted and anybody saying "it's not that Kenrith deck" is lying to you until they can prove otherwise.
Mike Carrozza
Mike Carrozza is a stand-up comedian from Montreal who’s done a lot of cool things like put out an album called Cherubic and worked with Tig Notaro, Kyle Kinane, and more people to brag about. He’s also been an avid EDH player who loves making silly stuff happen. @mikecarrozza on platforms.
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