Too-Specific Top 10 - Theft Hug
December 29, 2023 by
DougY 
(Ian Malcolm, Chaotician | Art by Caio Monteiro)
Whose Deck Izzet, Anyway?
Welcome to Too-Specific Top 10, where if there isn’t a category to rank our pet card at the top of, we’ll just make one up! (Did you know that Knacksaw Clique is the only creature with an untap ability that allows you to play cards from your opponent's deck?)
Among the more clothed versions of Jeff Goldblum Magic: The Gathering cards that came out as a shoutout to Jurassic Park, there was actually only one new card featuring Ian Malcolm, Chaotician, with the rest being reskins. With that said, the one that we did get is a doozy of an archetype I don't think we've ever seen before: Chaos Hug.
For those not aware, Group Hug is an archetype centered around flooding an entire table with resources that your deck is well equipped to use to their fullest extent, and others may not be. It's a controversial topic, as many feel that Group Hug decks hand the game to others, but it's got nothing on Chaos decks.
While I will go to bat for Group Hug decks (that have a win-con) any day of the week, Chaos is a "strategy" I've never really understood. Maybe others could enlighten me, but as near as I can tell, the idea of most Chaos decks seems to be "lol, wouldn't it be random if...". This does indeed sound fun, until you find yourself resolving Warp World, Scrambleverse, Mana Clash, and Thieves' Auction all in the same game.
Luckily, Ian Malcolm, Chaotician doesn't quite live up to his name, instead bringing chaos in a more manageable fashion: Letting everyone play everyone else's decks!
Top 10 Izzet Stolen Strategies
With that in mind, then, I wanted to lean into the (manageable) chaos realm a little bit, and flirt with the idea of building a deck with no win-con... in my own deck. After all, what could be better than winning with someone else's win-con? So, we'll put together an Izzet deck that's just all ramp with a few Howling Mines, and just start playing everyone else's stuff off the top, right?
Well, no. You see, everyone's deck is one-third useless to us. Ian Malcolm, Chaotician doesn't let you play lands, only cast spells, so you're bound to have turns where you have everyone flip off the top with your twelve mana available, and you flip a one-mana removal spell and nothing else. In short, if we go all-in on ramp and our commander, there's not going to be enough gas.
So, we'll have to dedicate some space to sweetening the pot, won't we.
Luckily, there are options available that let us stick to our strict theme of playing other people's decks. While not quite as prevalent as the impulse draw options that let you use your own deck, or even those options that let you play the top card off of everyone's deck, Stolen Strategies have been around in Magic for quite some time now. Despite that, I was only able to find 11 cards total within the Izzet color identity, so we're not going to be drowning in these effects. Still, let's take a look at the options!
Criteria: Nonland cards within the Izzet color identity that exile cards from an opponent or all opponents' (but not all players') libraries with the option to play or cast them. As is tradition, all results are ordered by EDHREC score.
10. Nassari, Dean of Expression
(Helms 466 Decks, Rank #1,156; 2,739 Inclusions, 0% of 749,545 Decks)
The bad Suspend variant stapled to the front of Nassari and its full paragraph wording has had a lot of people ignore this card, but Nassari himself is a Stolen Strategy with upside for almost the exact same mana cost. Especially in a deck where you're already planning to cast most of your spells from exile, this Efreet could get large enough to knock out players fairly quickly, along with just "drawing" you two to three cards a turn.
9. Ensnared by the Mara
(3,313 Inclusions, 1% of 283,908 Decks)
Last week, when I was building from the uniquely tiny card pool of Universes Beyond, every red deck I looked at ended up running Ensnared by the Mara. In an environment with more than 1,000 cards available, however, I'm not so sure about this card. Even in the case that there's an Eldrazi deck at your table, the odds that you pay four mana to end up with a mana rock or a removal spell are good, when what you really wanted was a game-ending threat. If you don't have that obvious target at the table? The odds are much better that you end up Lava Axing at a slight discount. As usual, giving your opponent options is bad, and even in a deck where we're relying on our opponents strategies as the theme, this seems a poor way to go about it.
8. Synthesis Pod
(3,902 Inclusions, 0% of 1,003,058 Decks)
I think I can safely say this is the most tempted I've ever been by Synthesis Pod. We'll be playing off of opponent's decks anyhow, so the usual argument of not relying on your opponents is out the window, and we'll be playing a deck that is 90% ramp spells, meaning we'll absolutely hit a point where we don't need that Mind Stone right now.
Even with all of that, though, I'm not sure it's good enough. Birthing Pod is specifically good because it comes with a deck built around it. There is just no telling what you're going to get with Synthesis Pod, no matter what number you shoot for. While it would be nice at times to cast an instant and go fish for the removal spell you'd hope an opponent would have, we're probably only going to be playing rituals that are instant speed, meaning we'd be wasting a ramp spell to pay two more we can't get from that ramp spell to counter our own spell and replace it with probably not the card we actually need in the moment. Much better to take this slot and throw it at an effect that's going to garner us several choices, even if we have to use them during our own turn.
7. Stolen Goods
(7,299 Inclusions, 0% of 1,647,213 Decks)
Not giving the opponent an out makes Stolen Goods marginally better than Ensnared by the Mara, but not to a great enough extent that it's really worth expanding on. Or playing.
6. Stolen Strategy
(22,556 Inclusions, 1% of 1,600,490 Decks)
Better than either Nassari, however, is definitely the original OG, Stolen Strategy. Not because it's actually a better card, mind you--The upsides of both Nassari's are quite good--but rather because it's an enchantment. With enchantments being harder to remove than creatures, broadly speaking, the odds that Stolen Strategy will stick around for the long term are good. Combine that with one less red pip for colorless ramp decks like ours to have to fiddle with, and this is undoubtedly the effect you want to see in your opening hand.
5. Mind's Dilation
(23,525 Inclusions, 1% of 1,647,213 Decks)
Still, opponents are gonna cast spells, and free stuff is free stuff! Seven mana up front is rough, but casting without paying mana cost is a powerful effect, not to mention you'll likely get to double-dip a few times as opponents' cast instants on each other's turns. This one is probably on the cusp in our specific Ian Malcolm, Chaotician brew, simply because we're looking to have enough mana to cast whatever we want. Whatever we want probably includes powerful seven-mana spells, however, does it not?
4. Chaos Wand
(26,686 Inclusions, 1% of 3,369,923 Decks)
The same logic goes for Chaos Wand, but it has the substantial benefit of being able to activate at instant speed and not missing out as Mind's Dilation often does. In other words, if you're hunting for a Counterspell, you can pick out the likely deck to have one, and while the spell you're looking to counter is on the stack, activate Chaos Wand. Combine that with an artifact ramp deck with an excess of mana probably having a Voltaic Key and enough mana to abuse this thing, and you've got a winner here.
3. Oblivion Sower
(28,224 Inclusions, 1% of 3,369,923 Decks)
I almost changed our criteria to eliminate Oblivion Sower, but despite this not really being a Stolen Strategy per se, it has a similar exile effect and massively synergizes with the Stolen Strategies of the world constantly exiling our opponent's stuff, including their lands. In other words, where the odd Oblivion Sower might hit two lands on average if it's just cast by itself, in a deck like this that will constantly be exiling everything, the payoff for this six mana Eldrazi is likely to garner you more mana than you spent on it.
2. Wand of Wonder
(29,637 Inclusions, 2% of 1,380,187 Decks)
The red, more expensive version of Chaos Wand has surpassed the original, and it's no wonder why. Getting to exile each opponent's library to choose between three spells is already more than worth the more difficult mana cost, and the fact that you get more than one 50% of the time is just gravy.
1. You Find Some Prisoners
(32,464 Inclusions, 2% of 1,600,490 Decks)
I admit, I absolutely love You Find Some Prisoners. I mean, it's a cheap, flexible effect that will always be useful, who wouldn't like it?
Well, Ian Malcolm, Chaotician. For all the same reasons that You Find Some Prisoners is usually a decent option, it feels like it should be in Ian Malcolm, but as much as we'll both be wanting to cast opponent's spells and remove artifacts along the way, You Find Some Prisoners feels like it is acquiescing to logic and reason in doing so, rather than embracing the chaos. Yes, we want removal, but odds are we'll have our pick of such from the rest of the table. Yes, we want "card draw" off our opponent's decks, but we're probably better situated using the slot for an expensive option that's going to draw us three cards every turn, rather than a cheap option that's going to do so once. In short, as much as I love this card, we're probably better off with the rest of the list.
Honorable Mentions
While we are reveling in using others decks, there is an entire subclass of cards we're ignoring here that do exactly that, only also have a pesky habit of also casting our own cards. While that certainly goes against the Feng Shui that we're trying to cultivate, it could also just be very good, so let's make sure we're not leaving anything too egregious on the sidelines.
Top 10 "Exile & Cast Cards From Each Player" Effects
- Etali, Primal Storm
- Possibility Storm
- Share the Spoils
- Plargg and Nassari
- Knowledge Pool
- Mezzio Mugger
- Ian Malcolm, Chaotician
- ...
I was actually surprised to find that there weren't more of these effects that had you utilizing every player's library. With the popularity of Etali, Primal Storm, I would've figured this to be a deep well Wizards was actively pulling from, and I must admit, I'm not sure why it isn't. Regardless, Etali isn't great for our strategy of "ramp, ramp, ramp, use all that mana to play everyone else's spells", but Share the Spoils absolutely is. It even lets us enter a game telling everyone we're only going to win with their win-cons, and then play down an infinite mana combo to play through significant amounts of their decks in one go. Friendly neighborhood infinite mana combos strike again!
Outside of that, though, I'm not sure that we're missing much here. Possibility Storm doesn't synergize, Knowledge Pool allows the rest of the table to play our ramp and catch up, and Mezzio Mugger is likely only good for a single activation with a Blitz that will likely trigger our commander to give others cards. That just leaves Plargg and Nassari, who aren't amazing once you peel back the paragraph of text to figure out what they actually do, but are good enough.
Mezzio Mugger and Etali might have reminded a few folks about a slot of cards that we're missing, however.
Top 10 Attack/Combat Damage Exile & Cast Effects
- Etali, Primal Storm
- Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer
- Sword of Forge and Frontier
- Grenzo, Havoc Raiser
- The Omenkeel
- Dazzling Sphinx
- Curse of Hospitality
- Robber of the Rich
- Mezzio Mugger
- Capricious Sliver
The obvious slam-dunk include here is Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer, only we're not going to do that. Why? Because the obvious slam-dunk include in any red deck is Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer, and that's why he costs $40. I'm not going to add to that particular trend with my funny Jurassic Park-themed "I don't play any win-cons" deck when I can build it on a budget instead and steal someone else's Ragavan along the way.
As for the rest, nothing really crosses the threshold of us having to care about combat in a deck that might not care about combat at any given point, depending on the table. The closest thing on here that piques my interest is Robber of the Rich, but I think it's too likely that it just sits and doesn't have a lane to get through too much of the time.
So, with three top ten lists of options, we have... barely ten total options. Let's take a look at them in the actual decklist, shall we?
Whose Deck Izzet, Anyway?
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If you want a challenge in life, find a way to effectively goldfish a deck that plays opponents' cards almost exclusively. For myself, I went with just counting the amount of turns it took me to cast ten cards from my opponents, with Ian Malcolm, Chaotician averaging one card I can cast a turn cycle with no Howling Mines in play, and two cards a turn cycle with one out.
Under those weird conditions, the deck does fairly well, however, averaging a "win" on turn five or six, and usually having 12 or so mana as it does so. In practice, I doubt things will go that quickly, with a much higher likelihood that we'll end up as the grindy midrange control deck of the table instead. That's the beauty of the "play everyone else's stuff" mentality, though: We'll never really know how a game is going to go until we go there!
Nuts and Bolts
There always seems to be a bit of interest in how these lists are made (this seems like a good time to stress once again that they are based on EDHREC score, NOT my personal opinion…), and people are often surprised that I’m not using any special data or .json from EDHREC, but rather just muddling my way through with some Scryfall knowledge! For your enjoyment/research, here is this week’s Scryfall search.
What Do You Think?
It occurs to me that my entire premise of "ChAoS" might be off-base here, as we've instead entered into a territory of casting opponent's stuff. Still, the deck technically doesn't have a win-con, which is dangerous territory, to put it lightly.
And finally, what is your favorite Stolen Strategy? Are you planning on putting it in Ian Malcolm, Chaotician, or do you have an entirely different plan for the deck?
Let us know in the comments, and we'll see you at your table.
DougY
Doug has been an avid Magic player since Fallen Empires, when his older brother traded him some epic blue Homarids for all of his Islands. As for Commander, he's been playing since 2010, when he started off by making a two-player oriented G/R Land Destruction deck. Nailed it. In his spare time when he's not playing Magic, writing about Magic or doing his day job, he runs a YouTube channel or two, keeps up a College Football Computer Poll, and is attempting to gif every scene of the Star Wars prequels.
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